I don't know why it's so hard for me to blog.... I've got all day and when Al's home he's studying unless I'm distracting him so I have more time then too.... BUT I just hate loading pictures onto my blog. It takes soooo long and to get them there in the right order is such a pain in the butt! I read a friend of mine's blog and she just rambled about thoughts she had, but when I read her thoughts they were positive things... it made me think of the rambling I do inside my head that keep me up at night.... There's this book I heard about in church by John Bytheway... Something about how to be miserable... and I thought that's me... where I get this awful tendency to kill myself with thoughts is beyond me....
So here are some of my ramblings... I will post pictures when i feel like it later...
SO... one I've thought about my place as an stay at home mother. A lot of the girls I know that stay at home with just one baby or none yet ( like me) have hobbies like sewing, or cake decorating or flower arranging or painting.... stuff like that.... NOW I've really wanted to start hobbies like that ( sewing & cake decorating in particular) but I've been sooooo terrified of the money it costs. I hate thinking about it, but now and even worse in the fall Alex and I really can't afford very much. We live to the brim every month... even when I was working and getting paid... we had a little more play and savings money, but really we've always been pretty poor.... NOW i don't want this to sound like I'm complaining, because I know that Alex is a really hard worker and he's only in the beginning ( this fall) of his junior year of college and I know that one day we'll be comfortable, probably never rich, but comfortable with savings, comfortable enough to buy stuff that we want sometimes, but now we're not and it's okay... the problem is, is that I've never had time for a hobby so I couldn't prepare myself for this time. I've always been in school full time and work full time... I miss having a job... working was my hobby... I've tried to get a job, but no one wants to hire a pregnant person and I know people say you don't have to tell them, but to me that feels dishonest... they'd get me for four months and then what, they'd leave me with a bad recommendation because I didn't tell them I was having baby before I was hired. People don't realize how detrimental it can be to your ability to get hired somewhere else when they don't like you had the job you had before.... SOOO anyways I'm still looking for a job and praying someone will hire me for the summer, but hobbies are so expensive... there are other things I can do that are free... like
study french ( I took it for so long and school and can't speak or read very well)
practice piano ( But I never do that because I don't want to get up and go to the school to do it and we can't afford to get one )
I read... reading is good
I take walks... that's good
I'm working on family history, but it's hard because of my heritage. They didn't start keeping records until my parents generations so it's not like I can go on family history.com or whatever everyone else does to collect it and my family isn't that great at helping me... so I get discouraged...
I go to the temple....I've been trying to go once by my self a week ( I go with Al every week, but he only has time for that he works and has so much school)
I just feel like when someone wants to hang out I have nothing to talk about because I don't do anything....
I'm too scared of trying to hang out with someone without a planned activity because of the possibility of the awkward silence I would cause.
So ...... anyways.... I don't know, and when the baby comes. I know I'll have a lot of busy time with baby, but what about the down time... what will I do...
I'm sorry I hope I'm not completely trying to depress everyone.... really just babbling, trying to get it off my chest. I'll probably do this a lot more and if you don't want to read, don't feel bad maybe I just need somewhere to let my feelings off on....